I want to be someone different and sometimes, in my head I feel like i am. But then I am snapped back to reality when I am told that nothing has changed. I want to be something that I am not b/c I think that it will make me happier. But will it? I want to believe that if I change my life and change who I am that everything will be better but part of me is not sure that that is the answer. I feel like if i change these things it will be a whole new set of problems about who I am. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy w/ who i am, know what it is I want, not be insecure or self-concious about myself… I want to be happy and free, and I am lost… I don’t know where the answer is. I just know that it is in there somewhere, i just need to find the map.
For anyone who is reading this… know that this is more for me than for you… if you find wisdom in it and can take from it then i hope that it makes you a better person…
The map to happiness is not marriage. I thought that it was, it really isn’t. The map to happiness is only in yourself. its encoded and you have to open the crackerjack box that is your heart, find the secert decoder ring and read the map for yourself. even if you have the ring, the map is still really hard to read. thats why you need someone to sit with you and help you read the map, to check the path and make sure you are still heading in the right direction. All through time, every great explorer had two things, a map and someone to travel w/. no marriage is not the map to happiness, marriage is just the compass and your spouse is there to help you read the map while you drive.
right now in my life I feel like i have the map but i was given the wrong decoder ring. and not only that my compass is pointing due north and my map reader is reading a different map… so i am not sure if i should be following my map readers map, or my map b/c they have both gotten us lost to this point….
now that this thing is so metaphorically effed up let me say this… if you’ve seen my decoder ring, let me know