Like that was EVER going to happen. 

​

Almost every song that comes out recently has really long and strange intros

Is there only a small group of people producing this crap because it all sounds the same and apparently a requirement is that it can only be made with random sounds from a circa 1984 Casio Keyboard.

​Garbage.

Religion is more about preying on the weak than praying once a week.

If you're buying condoms from the dispenser in the men's room, you should rethink your life choices.

So my kids are watching television and their grandmother says to them, stone cold:

Not everything you see in a cartoon is real.


Just let the sink in for a moment....

So I'm in the bathroom and a dad comes into the stall next to me with his kid. The kid is chatterboxing from the time he walks in the door for like 45 seconds straight and then his dad dismissively says "that's great, shut up and pay attention to what you're doing".

​What the fuck requires 'paying attention'? Is he landing a fucking plane over there??

"Please leave all carry ons stowed until the captain turns off the seatbelt sign. This will be the only indication that it's time to jump up, push and shove each other before you realize you can go absolutely no where for about 10 minutes..."

You know it's gonna be a ninja day when you open the medicine cabinet, half asleep, and you instinctively grab whatever falls out without even knowing you're doing it.

A man's day:
😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😴

A women's day:
😠😩😢😎😞😄😛😘😳😍😡😂😆😫😱😴

You know what's better than having to say, "I'm sorry"?

​Not being an asshole in the first place.